connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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