Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
