there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
