I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
