just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
