hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
