I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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