an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
