Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
