got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
