guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Everything about him screamed your future.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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