a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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