He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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