FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing