just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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