Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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