Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
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i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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