theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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