you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
