Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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