I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
