Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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