Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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