I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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