you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
