You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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