capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
