Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
