I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
