Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
