I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
