I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
