ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
