we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
