I didn't shave. On purpose
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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