I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
