He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
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