He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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