I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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