I wish I could teleport
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
