I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Come share oat with me in your robe
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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