You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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