I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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