Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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