My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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