Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
