Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
