if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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