I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
