You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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