Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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