Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
