From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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