Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
