Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
