Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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