My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Please don't give away my fajitas
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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