She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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