i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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