I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
