why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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